


Embers

by ZombieLieutenant



Category: South Park
Genre: Denial, M/M, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 02:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16031123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieLieutenant/pseuds/ZombieLieutenant
Summary: Or: Four times Kyle denied his feelingsFour small windows of different times growing up that Kyle lied to himself about his true feelings for his best friend. Kyle-focused, no actual getting together (but no rejection). Rated M for small masturbation scene.





	Embers

I.

The first time he ignored it was in the third grade.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure why he was so upset with the news. It wasn’t the end of the world. And damn, he and his friends knew what actual “end-of-world” scenarios were, for some weird reason.

But none of their stupid weird adventures in the past gave him the same feeling that “Stan and Wendy are dating” did. The redhead took a deep breath in and exhaled. He wasn’t going to be able to focus on this math homework that was for sure. Kyle spun in his chair and turned to his window. It was already pretty dark out. He could barely see the edges of the mountains hugging the last bit of daylight. Stan and Wendy were probably messaging each other right now, sending cute little “less than three” hearts and laughing. Or talking on the phone about how they don’t want the other to hang up. Or outside together, maybe even walking along Stark’s Pond _right at this very moment_. His stomach turned at the thought. A sudden thought intruded: _you should push Wendy Testaburger into the pond_. His eyebrows furrowed. Where the fuck did _that_ come from? Despite how fucked up the thought was, it gave him a sick sense of gratification. Why shouldn’t it? Stan was _his_ best friend: he should be spending his time with _him_. Kyle’s hands balled up. He could feel his nails digging into his palms.

_They could be together right now, fingers intertwining._

Kyle’s face scrunched up. Before he knew it, he kicked his bed frame as hard as he could. His toes hit the metal at an uneven angle. Pain shot up his leg and transformed itself into fury. He began punching his mattress in an uncoordinated confused rage.

_Stan could be laughing at something she’s said. That loud, infectious laugh where he needs to inhale deeply because he doesn’t have enough air._

The rage blocked his eyes and ears, threatening to erupt out of him. A fire that had never existed before burned within Kyle. It wasn’t fair. It was stupid. It was wrong. None of this was right.

Two hands grabbed onto his shoulders, and Kyle was immediately back in his room. In front of him were his disheveled bed sheets. He could feel a dull pain from his knuckles. In a daze, the ginger was spun around to face his mother. Her face wore a frown, eyebrows high on her forehead.

“Kyle, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You were yelling.”

“I was?” Kyle stared back dumbfounded.

“Yes, it was terrible! Your brother is quite shaken,” Shelia explained. Then she squeezed her arms around Kyle in a tight embrace. “What’s wrong?” she asked again.

Kyle frowned.

“I…”

His throat closed. He looked away from his mom. Words slipped away from him. He didn’t know how to explain what was going on in his mind.

“It, it’s uh… a guy thing?” Kyle tried.

Sheila gave her son a concerned look. “Well… you know you can tell me anything. But if you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, your father gets home in a few hours.”

“No!”

“…No?” Sheila asked. Kyle froze. The last thing he wanted to do was tell his dad what was going on. He loved his parents but sometimes they just… didn’t quite understand him. His mom often blew things out of proportion, and his dad… Well sometimes his dad seemed like he got half of his information from a stoned hippie on CNN and the other half from 12-year-olds on 4chan.

“Kyle, if it’s that urgent that you can’t wait, why not just talk to Rabbi Schwartz? Here, I’ll drive you.”

“No, its okay, mom. I’ll walk,” the child said. He grabbed his jacket, headed down the stairs, and out the door. The cold air greeted him like an old friend kissing his cheeks hello. The ginger walked briskly along the side walk. Why was this upsetting him so much? Fuck, even he lost control so badly that his _mother_ realized something’s wrong. Never a good thing. He hoped that she will have forgotten about the whole thing by the time he gets home.  Before he realized it, he was in front of Rabbi Schwartz’s house. He looked at the concrete steps leading to the mahogany door. Kyle eyed the _mezuzah_ on the door frame, confirming the resident. He pictured himself walking up the steps and knocking on the door. He imagined the kind, warm, inviting man welcoming the young man in. A cup of grape juice would be offered to him in one of his mismatched mugs and a big smile. But Kyle didn’t sit down on the well worn couch. Instead the young boy found his legs moving forward along the sidewalk. He continued down the block. And down another one. And the 3 rd grader found himself at Stark’s Pond.  He looked out at the dark pond, dangerous below the moonless sky. He sat down on the cold bench and put his head between his knees. What was he even doing here?

“You’re too young to have a face like that, little man.”

Kyle quickly looked up. Beside him sat a disheveled man who smelled vaguely of alcohol, urine, tobacco, and regret.

“What are you doing here?” the boy asked. The hobo turned to him and gave a half-hearted smile.

“It’s public property. And I’m part of the public whether or not I’m homeless. But we’re not talking about my shitty life. What’s wrong with yours?”

“It’s nothing.” Kyle looked away from the man defiantly. This wasn’t what he was wanting. He didn’t know what he wanted, but he knew this wasn’t it. To his surprise the man just laughed.

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s ‘nothing’. Not getting along with my parents was ‘nothing’. Skipping class was ‘nothing’. Hating my boss was ‘nothing’. Keying his car was ‘nothing’. Being evicted was ‘nothing’. And then suddenly it turns out all those nothings add up to something and you find yourself looking for homeless shelters around Colorado and talking to upset kids.” The hobo took a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and gave a small laugh. “So what ‘nothing’ has brought you here when you should be at home, kid?”

Kyle continued to focus only on the water in front of him. From his peripheral vision he could see the man’s lighter flash to life. Tobacco soon wafted in the air.

“My best friend has a girlfriend now.” Kyle was surprised to hear himself start talking and found that he couldn’t stop.

“He’s just so obsessed with her. Everything is _Wendy this_ and _Wendy that_. But he’s supposed to be _my_ friend. My _best_ friend. He talks about how he’s going to be spending all of this time with her. He’s supposed to be spending time with me. It’s like he’s just up and replaced me out of nowhere. It’s not fair. We’ve literally saved this town together and now he’s going to throw it all away for a stupid GIRL.” ‘Girl’ was punctuated with Kyle kicking the ground. Pebbles crashed down: an explosive outburst of nothing. The hobo took a long drag of his cigarette. Faint embers light up his unshaven face and infected wound on his jaw.

“You’re jealous,” he said flatly. Kyle whipped his head towards the stranger. Fury ignited his eyes.

“No I’m _not_!” Kyle hissed through clenched teeth. The hobo only raised a brow.

“Nah, you are. But it’s not a bad thing, man. Listen, he just got this girlfriend, yeah? And from your age I’m guessing it’s probably his first girlfriend. He’s just excited about something new. It’s like a new _Call of Duty_ or whatever the fuck. Sure it’s new and he’s gonna be all over it for the next two weeks, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t prefer _Halo_ when the chips are down. Bros before hoes, y’know? I’m certain he’s still your best friend, little man.”

Kyle looked back out at the water while he mulled over the man’s words. It was calm and cool with no signs of life. As much as it pained him, it made sense. Stan was just momentarily preoccupied with Wendy, but they were still best friends. He would just wait until this blew over, like most things in South Park did.

“Just don’t ruin your friendship because of some girl. It’s not worth it, trust me.”

The hobo took another lazy drag of his cigarette. For the first time that evening Kyle was starting to feel that things might actually be okay. He didn’t quite understand what Stan saw in a girl, but they were still best friends. And you could only have one best friend. So Wendy couldn’t take that away, even if she tried. He didn’t think about how he wished that Stan could just choose Kyle for that position of “his” instead of Wendy.

 

II.

The second time he ignored it was right after they finished fourth grade.

Stan sighed for the probably one millionth time that day. The 10-year-old poked the dirt in front of him with a stick. He and Kyle sat by Stark’s Pond, lazily watching the sun glitter on the water. Being June it was one of the rare times in South Park when there was no snow. The boys should have been celebrating the start of their summer break. But instead a dark cloud enveloped Stan. And Kyle was the only person willing to talk to him. Kyle was the only person who could _handle_ Stan during his depressive episodes. And shit was he having to work hard with this one. But it was worth it. Stan was always worth it.

“She left me,” he said.

“Yeah,” Kyle said softly.

“Again.”

“Yeah.”

Kyle closed his eyes. It hurt seeing his best friend hurt like this. It really did. And god, there was something about Wendy that just penetrated Stan’s soul and unlocked a Pandora’s box of torment within the child. If Kyle was asked – which he wasn’t – he would eagerly explain how much he hates that she has such a strong effect on his friend. She cared for Stan, yes, but not as much as she cared for her friends. To Kyle that just wasn’t okay. Stan deserved someone who though the world of him. Someone who would put him in front of everything else. That wasn’t the only thing that bothered Kyle, however. What bothered him was that it was _Wendy_ who had such a strong influence on Stan. It should be Kyle. He wasn’t jealous though. It was just a fact. Or something. A strange feeling that he didn’t want to pay attention to.

“She said it was for good this time,” Stan lamented. He dropped his head between his knees, hiding it from his super best friend.

“She’s said that before too, you know. In a few weeks she’ll come around again like always,” Kyle said. Everything in his being just wanted Stan to stop feeling so bad. What he would give to see him smile and suggest they throw eggs at Cartman’s house. Hell, even a sad suggestion of throwing eggs at Cartman’s house.

“I… I don’t think so. Not this time.” Kyle was taken by surprise. Not because Stan had never said that before; he had during many of their previous break ups. What surprised Kyle was how his voice didn’t waver. It was as if it was an undeniable truth that Stan had discovered after a long journey to the centre of the earth and he was sharing it for the first time. There was a finality and absolute certainty that had never lived in that statement before.

“I know it’s not what you want to hear, but breaking up with Wendy once and for all might actually be best for both of you,” Kyle suggested.

“That’s what scares me though,” Stan said. He sighed again. Kyle frowned.

“I don’t understand though. Why is that scary for you?”

Stan threw a pebble into the pond. The two boys watched it break the water’s surface.

“Because it means I was wrong.”

Stan looked over at Kyle, who for once in his god damn life had no idea how to respond. So instead Kyle kept his mouth shut and stared at his Super Best Friend. His soft cheeks were stained with tears. The knowledge that he couldn’t stop those tears ignited something deep and primal deep within him.

Stan took a deep breath and then looked back at the pond.

“I mean like, that it didn’t last. I was wrong to pick her. And if my judgment was wrong for 2 years of my fucking life… how can I trust myself that I’ll actually find someone to be with? What if I just keep on fucking up and fucking up until I wake up one day and look over to see my wife has left me and I just grew up to be my dad?” Kyle could see Stan’s blue eyes begin to water again. He grabbed his best friend’s shoulders to face him.

“Stan, did you seriously think that your grade 4 girlfriend would be your soul mate or something? Yeah, you didn’t last but that doesn’t mean that you’re a fucking idiot like your dad. Trust me: you’ll never be your dad. You’re already a better person than he could ever imagine being! You’re caring, considerate, you’re a great leader. Don’t sell yourself short, okay? You can do so much better than Wendy anyway. You deserve better than her. You deserve someone who’s smarter, who’s nicer, who makes you number one. You shouldn’t have to settle for _anything_ less!” Kyle almost spat his words. The fire within him ignited his words. They came from that place deep within. An eruption of emotions and thoughts that had been lingering just below the surface. He began to feel his eyes threaten to pool over.

And then Stan threw his arms around his best friend. The two held onto each other for a long time. Kyle didn’t think about where his outburst came from or what the embrace made him feel.

 

III.

The third time he ignored it was at the start of the sixth grade.

“Okay guys, so I did some research,” Cartman began. Kyle rolled his eyes. He already knew he didn’t like where this was going.

“Yeah? On what, Eric?” Butters asked.

The boys were standing on a small hill in the school yard. It was the designated “sixth grade” spot. They had ‘grown out’ of four square, and had taken over the hill as the rightful heirs, now being the oldest students at the school. Being on the hill was a sign of the respect that they had earned through years of bullshit antics and surviving the insanity that was elementary school. It let them survey their domain of the school yard. In kindergarten Stan described it as being like _The Lion King_ : everything the light touched was theirs. Now that they were there it certainly seemed like it even though it had only been a few weeks. Despite it only being October snowy patches had already begun to claim their territory. A mess of brown leaves, gum wrappers, and snow littered the playground. That morning before class had started Cartman had told everyone that he had an “important matter to discuss with the males of the grade”. It seemed that this was what he was so eager to talk about.

“So after that gay shit last week with Tweek and Craig almost dying in a minefield – which was totally Butters’ fault, by the way – I realized that they’re the only gays we know about,” Cartman began.

“It was your fault,” Kyle interjected.

“What?”

“Trapping Tweek and Craig in the minefield. That was your fault. Stop trying to blame Butters for your stupid shit.”

“Well, that’s not what happened, but trust the Jew to try and skew the facts to oppress Christians. Anyway,” Cartman continued, while Kyle’s eyes narrowed. Stan placed a supportive hand on Kyle’s shoulder. _It’s not worth it_ , it said.

“I looked it up and the prevailing research states that 1 in 10 people are gay. Now there are 33 people in our grade, which means that there are _at least_ three gays in our grade.”

“That’s bullshit,” Clyde interrupted.

“You’re bullshit, Clyde. It’s fucking science! Now, we already know that Tweak and Craig are homos. So that means that there’s one more guy in our grade who’s a fag,” Cartman explained, pacing around the group. “And we’re going to find out who it is.”

Kenny looked up from his phone for a second with a raised eyebrow. He had grown significantly during the summer and was the second tallest boy in the grade. “It could be one of the girls,” he said. Cartman turned to the blond.

“Are you poor _and_ stupid? Girls aren’t gay. Its boys,” Cartman explained. Kenny looked back down at his phone with a sly smirk. Clearly he just didn’t have the energy to fight with Cartman. Or there was something he knew that he decided wasn’t worth sharing. Kyle could never 100% tell with Kenny. It didn’t help that he still hid part of his face behind his parka.

“So if it can only be one of us how are we supposed to figure out who it is?” Butters asked. Token gave the boy a Look. Kyle agreed. Why encourage the lunatic, Butters?

“Well it’s pretty obvious. We all have to get naked in front of each other and the first one to get a boner is gay.”

They all looked at Cartman in silence. Stan just pinched the bridge of his nose, the way he does anytime someone comes up with something really fucking stupid.

“A-a-are you f… f-fuuuuu… f-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu… Are you f-fuuuuuuuucking s-serious right now?” Jimmy asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes, of course I fucking am! This way we will all know immediately which one of us is a fag.”

 “Cartman,” Kyle started, “wanting to look at everyone’s dick is really gay.” Cartman began to turn a shade of red and Kyle recognized that a fire had been ignited behind his eyes. He wouldn’t admit it, but Kyle loved when he could rile up the bully like this.

“It’s not gay!”

“It kinda is dude,” said Token.

 _“No_ , it’s _NOT_. _”_

“Didn’t you give Ben Affleck a hand job?”

“That was a prank to get back at Kyle!”

“I mean I’m gay and asking to look at everyone’s dick is really fucking gay dude,” Craig chimed in. A combination of anger, embarrassment, and misguided self righteousness bubbled within Cartman: a regular look for him. He clenched his fists and sneered at the group.

“Fuck you guys, I’ll email the Japanese girls and find out myself.” Cartman turned and walked back into the school. The boys were left looking at each other.

“Is that seriously a conversation that just happened?” Clyde asked.

“Let’s just pretend it didn’t,” Stan suggested. The group collectively agreed and broke off.

The next day the boys watched as Cartman entered the classroom. Kyle watched with interest as the large boy quickly made his way to his desk and sat down. He refused to make eye contact with anyone, looking only straight ahead of him. His lips looked glued together. Considering that the boy could have been tormenting some poor soul, Kyle was pleased with the entrance. Not to say that he wasn’t intrigued though. Had something happened with the Japanese girls? Was Cartman the third gay? Kyle shook his head at the thought. No, he was not going to be strung along with one of Cartman’s stupid ass ploys. The entire situation was stupid. Those stats were dumb. It could be a girl anyway. Plus Kyle was starting to suspect that maybe the Japanese actually weren’t the ones behind deciding who is gay and who isn’t. The redhead decided that he wasn’t going to think about it anymore and instead focus on the algebra that was beginning to show up on the chalkboard in front of him.

 _If 3x plus 5 equaled 2x plus 10, the first step is to move all of the addition to one side. That would mean that 3x equaled 2x plus 5. Maybe Kenny is gay? He does seem obsessed with sex. I mean he talks about it non-stop. And he seems to know a_ lot _about it. No._ Stop it _. So x then equaled 5. Alright, next question. 4x minus 2 equals eight plus 3x. Kenny always talks about boobs though and how to tell if a girl is faking an orgasm. Gay people care about dick, right? Focus, Kyle. Math. Come on._

Kyle almost shouted in delight when the bell for recess sounded. Thank god, he couldn’t handle another moment alone with his thoughts. He didn’t notice the rest of the boys in the class turn to Cartman expectantly as they got out of their desks. The boys collectively left the classroom and moved to their hill on the playground. They all looked at Cartman. “So?” one of them asked.

Cartman didn’t answer. He continued to stare at nothing in almost a catatonic state. Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Fat ass. What did the Japanese girls say?”

Cartman looked at Kyle and paled. “I just. I… you know what? We’ll just never know. It’s fine. It was stupid.”

“No, no, no. We aren’t letting you off that easy. Not after all the shit you gave us yesterday,” Token said.

“Well I don’t know what to tell you because they’re fucking stupid. The Japanese girls didn’t even say anything.”

“Then why are you so upset, Eric?” Butters asked. Cartman glared at Butters.

“Listen. All they did was harass me and gave no information. This is why we should have finished them off in the 40s when we had the chance.” For the second day in a row Cartman stormed away from his classmates. Kenny gave a knowing laugh. When the others pressed him to explain though, Kenny kept his mouth shut. All Stan was able to get out of him was that some things aren’t always meant to be seen, whatever that meant.  

Kyle didn’t miss Kenny’s reaction. He could tell that there was something going on, just had no idea what that something could be. For the rest of the day in class Kyle fought with himself to concentrate on the material. But no matter what, he couldn’t stop thinking. He wouldn’t let himself ruminate for long enough to truly know what it was that was distracting him. He didn’t want to admit anything to himself. He needed to turn his brain off. No, he needed answers. Fuck, Kyle didn’t know what he needed and not having an answer was destroying him. As soon as the bell rang he got Kenny’s attention.

“Hey man. Uh, could I come over today and uh, you know, hang… out?” Kyle asked, trying to sound natural. So of course he sounded like an alien with a fish sticking out of his ear trying to speak English for the first time. Kenny stared at Kyle for a moment. He had no idea what Kenny was thinking. He just couldn’t read him. After an extremely long minute of staring at each other Kenny gave a smile. “Sure, man. Let’s go.”

The two walked in relative silence on the way to Kenny’s house. Kyle didn’t really know what he was going to say. He didn’t know what he was doing. His brain was short-circuiting and something was interrupting his synapses form firing but he knew that if anyone could restart the electric signals between his neurons it was probably Kenny. He didn’t know why, but something about Kenny told the ginger that he knew more than he was letting on. Thankfully the McCormick home was empty when they arrived, going straight to Kenny’s room. Kenny gestured to his bed, which Kyle sat on. Then Kenny closed the door behind him and leaned on it. Kyle suddenly felt trapped. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. The two stared at each other in silence for a few moments. Kyle had no idea what Kenny wanted him to say but to be fair it Kyle was the one who asked for this but he didn’t even know what he wanted to say and

“Is it about Stan?”

Kyle was taken out of his spiral of thoughts. “What?”

“I said, is it about Stan? You always go to him when something’s bugging you this much. But instead you’re here. So what’s going on?”

Kyle exhaled deeply. “I… I don’t know what’s going on. My brain won’t stop thinking.”

Kenny narrowed his eyes at Kyle. “So you should talk to Stan about this.”

“ _No!_ ” Kyle gawked. He threw his hands over his mouth. Where the fuck did that come from? Kenny shifted his weight.

“No?”

Kyle could feel his mouth go dry. Suddenly his brain went radio silence. He didn’t know how to function, but felt as if he just confessed something very intimate to Kenny. He just wished he knew what it was.

“Is this because of what Cartman was talking about?”

Kyle tried, but no words came out. Everything was underwater. He could feel the colour drain from his face as Kenny studied it intensely. He felt naked in front of him. A fear washed over Kyle as Kenny crossed the room and sat next to him.

But then Kenny just rubbed his back slowly and gently.

“You know Cartman is full of it, right?” he asked.

“Y-yeah,” Kyle said, his vocal chords finally working. He felt raw for some reason.

“It doesn’t matter if anyone else in our grade is gay, or who they are. It doesn’t fucking matter. You know that.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

“Sexuality is changing and shit. People just gotta be themselves.”

“I guess, yeah.” Kyle could feel himself starting to calm down. Gears in his body shifted. He could see Kenny smile in his periphery.

“Its okay, Broflovski. You’re okay.”

Kyle turned a bit towards his friend and smiled. He didn’t know how Kenny knew what to say, or how he knew that Kenny would be the right person to go to. But he was glad he did. Kenny then looked up at the ceiling with a bemused expression on his face.

“What if most of the people in our grade are gay,” Kenny suggested. Kyle laughed.

“Like that would happen.”

“You say that like weirder shit doesn’t happen in South Park.”

“I guess.”

“Who else do you think is gay then?” Kenny asked.

“Hypothetically, you mean,” Kyle clarified. Kenny gave him an odd expression, but it didn’t last for very long.

“Sure, yeah.”

“I dunno. Maybe Butters? Who do you think?” Kyle asked. Kenny thought it through. He seemed to be taking the question with the utmost care. Kyle, for not the last time, wished he could tell what the taller boy was thinking.

“I bet its Stan,” Kenny said with a grin, looking at what Kyle’s reaction would be.

Kyle laughed. He didn’t think about how the thought gave him warmth.

 

IV.

The fourth time he ignored it was in grade 8.

They boys walked through the forest behind Kenny’s house, careful not to lose their footing. The snow on their path was uneven; it was clear that it wasn’t a well traveled trail. How on earth Kenny found it, Kyle had no idea. The ginger lamented silently about not wearing his new boots. There was a break in his right sole causing his sock to get damp. He curled his toes in a futile attempt to avoid them getting wet. He didn’t voice his concerns so Cartman wouldn’t bitch him out. The last thing he needed was fatass calling him a wuss. Kyle winced each time he stepped on his right foot, feeling the water pool in his boot. Stan’s blue eyes looked over to his best friend with concern. Kyle waved his hand dismissively.

 _Don’t worry about it dude_ it said. Stan raised his eyebrows and looked down at Kyle’s feet, then back to his face. Kyle just shrugged in response. This seemed to be good enough for Stan, who went back to carefully following Kenny’s footsteps.

“So are we getting close yet?” Stan asked.

The tall blond turned around and gave the boys a toothy grin. “You know it! We’re really close now.”

“We fucking better be, or I swear to god Kenny I will punch you in the balls,” Cartman said. Kenny’s lips curled mischievously. The taller boy puffed out his chest and looked down on Cartman.

“I would say that’s a low blow but I know you can’t reach any higher, short-stuff.” Kyle’s eyes widened and he looked over at Stan. His Super Best Friend returned the look. The silently bet on whether or not Cartman would be able to restrain himself before they found the mysterious treasure in the forest. Kyle was certain that Cartman was going to lose his shit on Kenny. Stan nodded his head over to Kenny and shrugged his shoulders. _He’ll get away with saying that shit,_ Stan gestured.

Cartman simply snorted in response. “Just hurry the fuck up,” he demanded quietly. Kenny simply grinned, turned around, and continued to walk. After only a few more minutes Kenny gave the group jazz hands that punctuated his “ta-da!” Behind him was a small clearing in the forest. There was an unnatural looking hill on the ground. Kenny swiped the brush on the ground aside. Laying there was a pile of old magazines and burned DVDs. Kyle didn’t even need to look closely to know what they were. He was surprised when Stan still asked.

“What is… Kenny, is this porn?”

“You fucking know it!”

Kyle frowned. “Where did this even come from?” Cartman pushed past Kyle and grabbed the first magazine on top of the pile. He examined the cover with narrowed eyes, seemingly studying it with the greatest intensity.

“I ‘unno. Just found it while following Bigfoot.”

 The boys stood dumbfounded, staring at their tall friend who stood there as if what he said was the most normal thing in the world.

“You’re fucking with us,” Kyle said, crossing his arms.

“…No? Why would I be?”

“You found a pile of porn,” Stan started.

“…While following Bigfoot in the woods,” Cartman finished. Kenny raised an eyebrow.

“Why is that so hard to understand?”

“Okay, ignoring the porn for a second, are you seriously saying that you saw Bigfoot?” Stan asked.

“Well yeah. I just kinda saw something through my window so I went outside and there he was. He was holding something and let me follow him so I was like yeah sure why not and he showed me this porn stash.”

“How do you know you aren’t stealing from his personal collection?”

“You think a cryptid would lead a little shit to a bunch of pornos if he didn’t want to share?”

“I guess that makes sense,” Stan said. Kyle could feel anger bubbling in him. How was everyone just acting as if this was the most normal thing?

“Why is everyone ignoring that you saw _Bigfoot_ and are acting like this isn’t a big deal?!” Kyle shouted, exasperated. The group turned to him. Kyle swore he could see the stupid gears turning in his stupid best friend’s head. He didn’t think about how nice Stan looked when he was in deep thought.

“Yeah… that. That is kinda weird – Kenny what the fuck?” Stan asked.

Kenny gave an exasperated sigh. “Who cares? It’s South Park. _Of course_ Bigfoot would hang out here. Besides, my old man told me once when he was a kid that Bigfoot was responsible for putting porn in the forest for kids to find. Back before the internet and whatever.” Cartman scoffed.

“Then why would we bother with this shit when I can get the best porn on my phone at any time?”

“I dunno. I think there’s something of like, he brings what the viewer _needs_ to see or something gay like that,” Kenny said. Cartman began rifling through the porno mag.

“Yeah that’s fucking bull…sh…it… listen I uh. I have to go so uh. Erm. Yeah. Later fags.” Cartman closed the magazine and put it in his jacket. His ears turned red as he began to walk away briskly, leaving the three boys alone in the clearing. After about a minute the trio burst out laughing.

“Did that seriously just happen?” Kyle gawked.

“I haven’t seen him turn that red in months!” Stan laughed. Kyle sighed.

“I kinda wish we knew what was in that magazine to make him react like that though.”

“Oh trust me. It’s good shit that isn’t found online,” Kenny explained.

“Then what is it?!” Kyle demanded. Kenny just grinned.

“Nope! It wasn’t meant for you, ya perv,” Kenny teased. Kyle crossed his arms and pouted.

“Aw c’mon, Ken. Don’t be like that,” Stan said. He moved closer to Kyle, showing his support for his friend. Kyle felt himself smile at the gesture. Kenny scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“To be fair, the real reason why I’m sharing this with you guys is ‘cause your initials were on some of the stuff here.”

This piqued the friends’ interest. Stan and Kyle shared a look. _Is this for real?_

“Why would it have our initials? How does he know what we should look at?” Stan asked.

“I dunno. Just does,” Kenny shrugged. There wasn’t much left to be said. At that moment Stan’s phone went off.

“Sorry guys, hello? Dad? Oh shit yeah okay I’ll- yeah yeah I know I know I’m on my way. Yeah okay, bye.” Stan looked at the others. “I have to go, sorry guys.” Before Stan could leave, Kenny put a DVD in his hands.  He said thanks and hauled ass. Kyle shook his head.

“He never pays attention to the time. His parents are pushing to have him and Shelly learn how to cook or something,” Kyle explained. He noticed Kenny grinning.

“What’s with that face?”

“Nothing! Just funny how much you pay attention to what Stan’s doing.” Kyle frowned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ah… nothing. Hey, let’s start making our way back,” Kenny said. Kyle shrugged, and they began to make their way back through the woods. They walked in a comfortable silence. The orange twilight lit their way through the snowy forest. Kyle was still reeling. Bigfoot? Is real? Why was this not a bigger deal? Christ, why did this shit always have to happen in South Park? Kyle stepped into a snow pile, soaking his right foot. He winced. On top of everything, Bigfoot gave porn to horny teen boys. What the fuck. Once they made it to the clearing where Kenny’s house stood the two boys stopped. Kenny turned to Kyle and held out a DVD with “hot twink gives it good” written on it with sharpie, along with a penis doodle. He raised his eyebrow.

“What the fuck is this?”

“The DVD he wants you to watch, Broflovski.”

“The title sounds kinda gay.”

“No shit, dude. It’s a gay porn.”

“But I’m not gay,” Kyle said sternly. His green eyes narrowed. Kenny waved it off.

“So? Don’t have to be gay to get off to two guys. Just enjoy and turn your brain off for once in your life, okay?”

Kyle studied the DVD in Kenny’s hands for another moment, and then took it aggressively. He put it in his backpack and began his walk home, cheeks red from the cold and certainly not embarrassment. Once he got home Kyle was greeted to a note on the table from his mother.

_‘Kyle_

_There have been reports of Bigfoot being seen around town again. Now I don’t know if you know much about Bigfoot, but he’s a menace! Last time he was seen around town he gave young boys like yourself very inappropriate materials. And now he might be back doing it again! So I’m going to the town hall meeting about it tonight, won’t be home until 7._

_If that Bigfoot talks to you for the love of god don’t accept anything he gives you!_

_I love you,_

_Mom xx’_

Kyle groaned. He couldn’t believe that this was an actual thing. Whatever. Fine. Only in South Park, right? He walked up to his room, closed the door, and locked it. Inhale. Exhale. Kyle bit his lip. There wasn’t anything wrong with this, right? Every teenager watched all types of porn. Besides, Kenny said that just because it was two dudes didn’t mean he was gay. Everyone does it. It didn’t mean anything. Obviously. He looked at the time: 5:30. Ike was watching some Let’s Play guy on YouTube. His dad was working late tonight and his mom was at the Town Hall to complain about Bigfoot. This was his best chance. Do or die, like Stan would say. He felt his chest tighten. The ginger put in the DVD and started to play it on his computer.

On the screen was an average looking guy with light brown hair. There was nothing of real interest to Kyle. He watched the bad actor get flustered at the doorbell ringing. Once he opened the door Kyle felt his heart drop. The other actor was tall with an athletic build but still fairly slim. What Kyle noticed immediately though were his beautiful blue eyes and black hair. The rest of the badly acted setup simply melted around Kyle, who was unbuttoning his jeans. Before he realized it, his hand was wrapped around his cock. The dark haired man was on top and wrapped his hand around the other man’s dick. Kyle swallowed hard. He started to stroke slowly, mimicking the other’s motions. His body shivered at the man whispering in the brunet’s ear. “Are you ready to let me fuck you babe?” he asked.

Kyle whined in response, tightening his grip. The dark haired man then slide his cock into the other’s hole. Kyle inhaled sharply. He fantasized about being filled up. He thought about those beautiful eyes staring through to his soul. Another shiver ripped through his body. His eyes were barely open at this point. All he could focus on was the thought of a dark haired man with striking blue eyes undoing him. Pre-cum had already spilled over Kyle’s hand. The actor slammed his dick against the other’s prostate. Again. And again. He could see the sweat running down both of their naked bodies. The way they breathed heavily, almost as if running a marathon. A close up of how swollen and desperate the bottom’s cock was filled his screen. It looked just like how Kyle’s felt. Like he needed more. Praying for more. He was close. God was he close.

“Come for me babe,” the actor whispered.

“Y-yes!” Kyle moaned, spilling over. His body ached as he came, relief washing over him. Fuck, he’d never felt that good beating himself off. Euphoria washed over him in waves, calming every nerve in his body. For once in his god damn life Kyle’s brain was quiet.

After a few moments reality began to return. Kyle got off to gay porn. Really gay porn. That doesn’t mean that he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. He just liked it more than the other videos he’d watched on PornHub.

A lot more.

Hm.

With a sigh he took out his phone and sent a text to Kenny.

 _‘That video was pretty good. Bigfoot might know what he’s on about.’_ A minute later he got his reply.

_‘might know? Cmon brflovski’_

_‘Okay fine. It was really good.’_

_‘not as str8 as u thought huh’_

_‘Shut the fuck up, Ken. You said you like this shit too. Doesn’t mean you’re gay.’_

_‘mmmmmmmm… false’_

_‘Fuck off’_

_‘no i mean. im not str8. i like anything tbh’_

_‘Oh.’_

_‘i come out n all you gotta say is oh’_

_‘No!! I mean, I’m surprised. Though I guess I really shouldn’t be knowing you, should I?’_

_‘lmfao u no me to well’_

_‘Hah.’_

_‘well hey ur not the most strait either so welcome to the club sry we dont have t shirts yet’_

Kyle felt his face burn. He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation. And yet his brain hadn’t completely woken up yet from his post-come euphoria.

_‘I didn’t say I’m not straight.’_

_‘so then say that ur strait. i dare u. dont lie to me’_

Kyle took a deep breath. He didn’t like lying. Especially to Kenny. Especially not right after one of his closest friends just shared something so intimate about himself.

_‘I’m… shit Kenny, this isn’t easy for me, okay?’_

_‘dont lie to yourself kyle. u no there was a reason y u got that dvd’_

_‘It’s scary.’_

_‘i no’_

_‘I’m uh. Fuck. I’m not straight okay?’_

_‘nice’_

_‘Can we drop this now and never talk about this again?’_

_‘not gonna say wer not gonna tlk about this ltr but its cool i get it dude. take ur time. ur ok.’_

_‘Thanks, Kenny. Don’t tell anyone though, okay? I’m serious about this.’_

_‘hey come on now im not like that. secrets safe w me. night broflovski’_

_‘Night.’_

Kyle sighed and turned over his phone. He felt like crying for some reason but his eyes stayed dry. Exhaustion took hold of his bones. He took a shower, letting the hot water wash over him for longer than needed. He wasn’t as straight as he thought. Okay. Okay. That’s okay. He’s okay. It’ll be okay. He can trust Kenny, anyway. He could accept himself.

Going to bed he didn’t think about what that black hair meant to him. But in his heart, he always knew.

**Author's Note:**

> coming up with the idea of "sasquatch is responsible for porn that you find in the woods" is probably the best and only good conspiracy theory I will ever have in my entire life


End file.
